Don’t look back you’re not going that way

This was how I generally looked at things. Now that I think about it though I couldn’t afford not to.

 

I am nearly 38 years old. It has taken me some time to realize some things.

I am good at getting the easy stuff down and some hard stuff too. For instance I learned early on that, just because you were born into a family didn’t mean you had to keep them. Let’s face it. If people are assholes, then they are assholes. It’s not your job to fix it.

It did, however take me sometime to let go of friends. This was a hard thing. While I learned early on it was fine to let blood go because, you can’t fix stupid. It took me a long time to realize that people you come to know as friends are not necessarily meant to be in your life forever.

We moved recently to Arizona. I love it here.

 

It has taken sometime for me to get accustomed to a new place. I did not know that’s what was going on though.

I had these odd experiences where I would walk into a bathroom at our new house and realize . Holy crap I live here now. Is this my home?

I have spent the better part of 6 months mourning my old house and the things around it. I am nearly 38 for crying out loud. This is ridiculous. Why am I acting this way. I am to old for this.

Then it hit me the other night as I was washing my face before bed. I looked in the mirror and actually said out loud to my self ( this is when you know you are going insane) “Oh I see”.

I finally know what kids go through when they leave their parents safety net they called home their whole lives. I finally knew how my kids must have felt when we moved. I finally knew  how it must have felt for my husband to be tossed out of his parents home on his 18th birthday. How my BFF must have felt when she moved from step Mom’s to her dads new trailer.

 

Why was I experiencing this so late? I knew the answer as I looked into the mirror.

 

I never had a stable place my entire life. Literally My mom moved me around from the day I got out of the hospital 6 times before finally moving in with my grand parents in Petaluma CA. We were there a year. Then into Roseville CA with my moms co-workers. Then to Sacramento with my moms sister a few months later. Then to an apartment that my babysitter caught on fire. Then finally at the age of 5 I went to Ione CA. Stayed with my grandparents for a year. Then moved to Texas for a year and half. Then back to Ione with my grandparents then into an apartment complex for 2 years in the same town. Then to a trailer in the same town.

Then I had many falling outs with my mother. Then I moved from that trailer to my grandmothers. Then to a coworkers. Then to my BFF place. Then to my aunt’s place in Sonora. Then back to my moms. That’s where I finally met the love of my life.

We lived together for 9 months in a trailer, that he rented. Then we bought a trailer in the same park . We lived there for a year and half.

Then we moved to Seattle. Moved into a trailer, then to a shelter.  I finally got a job at an apartment complex. We moved into a third floor apartment. We were there for almost 2 years, Then a fourth floor apartment. We were there for almost 2 years. Then a first floor apartment that would accommodate out whole family. Finally that’s where I would stay for 12 years.

My point is I had never lived anywhere my whole life for more than 2 years straight. Even though I am nearly 38 years old.

I am starting to get used to it. I think though I can finally sympathize with those who leave home for the first time.

I’ll put it this way. I may have had many places I lived. But I have only one place I could truly call home.

 

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